People like to talk about themselves, so why not give them the opportunity? You know it’s true.
Over my years in sales, as a pastor, counselor, chaplain, and most recently in coaching clients through circumstances ranging from finances to relationships and life challenges, I’ve learned most people are resistant to being told what to do.
You’ve seen it in your own life. Think about it: You probably don’t like it when someone tries to tell you that you’re doing something wrong or that you need to change something here or take action there — especially if they haven’t taken the time to understand your situation, circumstances, or your specific reasoning.
With that in mind, let me tell you something I’ve learned. Recently — sorry to say I didn’t realize this better and much sooner — I’ve adopted this philosophy: Ask, don’t tell.
Jesus asked questions — more than 300 times in the Bible — so we know it’s an excellent way to help people to think for themselves. Asking questions lowers barriers and walls and allows people the freedom and safety to examine their situations without perceived judgment or condemnation.
Asking questions helps to reveal more profound — and more important issues — and questions help you learn. It continues the discussion non-threateningly, mainly as you use open-ended questions. Consider yourself an interviewer a la Larry King, Lesley Stahl, or Bob Costas. They make it exciting and important.
Here are some questions you can ask friends, clients, co-workers, family, and others. As a result, your conversations should go smoother and become more meaningful.
- What led you to make that decision?
- Tell me more about that (Yes, I know, not technically a question, but a great substitute.)
- And what else?
- What is your #1 concern with this?
- How has this worked out for you?
- Who has been with you on this journey?
- What has gone right, and what has gone wrong?
- What have you learned?
- Help me understand…
- What will you need to change to reach your goals?
- I admire your ________ (e.g. tenacity, discipline, commitment etc.). What are the possible downsides?
- What scares you about …?
- How can you improve this process?
- What would change if you …?
As a coach friend suggests, you’re turning the spotlight off of you and putting it on the person you’re talking to. As a result, you’ll find a world of change and learn much. Now that you know this, why not take it for a test drive today? See how many questions you can ask in your next conversation.
In conclusion, here’s one question I often ask, especially if I’m unsure what direction to take or if we aren’t getting to the crux.
What question would you be asking if you were sitting in my chair?
Now, go out, stop telling and start asking.
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